Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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