Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
