Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
