Please don't use social media to get back at me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
