me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
