I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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