Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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