Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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