my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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