just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
