we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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