Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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