Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
