When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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