Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
