I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
