Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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