I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
