You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize
