Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
