On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
