The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
