So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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