Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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