I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
