Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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