Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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