I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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