i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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