I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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