i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
