Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
