i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
