I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
