I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
