I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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