i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
