Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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