I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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