I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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