I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
