I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
