The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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