I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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