Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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