I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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