he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You ruined the universe
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
