"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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