fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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