Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
is wine microwaveable?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
