when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
